Here forward for a while

Many of you may already know. But, for the time being my efforts, emotions, and attention will be focused on my mother.

Please see http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lynnbutcher for all information.

Moving finally over!

Moved this past weekend. I have found that it is easier to move across the country than it is to move just 1.4 miles away.

My Recap of Sunday:

6AM - Woke up and drank some coffee and ate a bagel with HillStar
6:45AM - began packing up everything that I didn't move Sunday
8:00 AM - took an Aderall a friend gave me a few months ago. I was warned "Don't take this unless you have about 13hrs worth of shit to do."
10:00 - finished packing the last items, and now waiting for the movers
10:20 - Movers arrive and "get after it" and move all my stuff into the truck in 30 min.
10:50-11:20 - Movers act like "Pu$$y's" and take 30 min (or $80 in labor) to move 1 fu*king Armoire from the neighbors house to mine.
11:30 - off to the new address
12:30 - Everything is unloaded, bed is built back, movers are gone $300 later
13:30-5pm - Sette helps me unload everything
5pm-7pm - TJ Maxx trip for Decorative Pillows, Rugs, etc
7pm - Huey's for West Coast Turkey Burger, final 1/4 in the Superbowl, 2 shots of Tequila and a Shiner
9:00 - Finally home and starting to "come down" from my FDA inflicted high
10:00 - OUT F*CKING COLD

Been some time - now back

Okay, moving this weekend! Hiring movers this time. Last time I tried to move, with the help of Robby Holdich, I fuc*ed my back up. This time, I am taking clothes and bikes, and the blue collar employees for the day are taking everything else. Just off Diana and Carr will be the new rack. Stop by if you need a bike tube, beer, or just wanna holla. There will be a housewarming Fiesta in a few weeks once everything gets furnished. Tecate by the can and loads of Mexican Food.

Los Comales is my new favorite Mexican Joint. Had a few beers, chicken Sopas, and a Peblano and Queso Gordita last night, then hit the gym hard first thing this morning and felt great. That means it's good for you.

Sis is in town. Heading to Ciao Bella to see her, my beloved parents, and taking my girl Sette with.

Anyone else been sick lately. I know Duke and Carpenter have been. Battling some crud all week and finally started feeling good on the bike yesterday. Sure I am breathing primarily out of my mouth lately due to blocked nasal passages (from congestion, not a night of partying) but until yesterday my chest finally felt aight. Riding in the cold tomorrow then packing up the current crib all afternoon.

I love checking the "Bikes" section on Craigslist. Who is the motherfu*ker selling old bikes for top dollar? Hilarious! Example

Notes- Sara Silverman is great, Tour of Quatar, will Boonen take it, BMC has the hottest kits, Sylamore puts up $2,000 for a new course record this year for the 50K but no love for the 25K, I believe it's the government who is driving the press to blow the Toyota brake recall way out of proportion in order to drive sales toward American car manufacturers - dick move!

Swamp Stomper, Tunica Riding, Now Recovering

Went to Tunica on Friday afternoon for the Cirq Du Velos winter training camp. What a great group of guys! NEVER have I met a team of cyclists all so eager to learn. There were NO hotheads, superstars, jerks, or loudmouths (a collection of traits that you will find in nearly EVERY cycling team), just a great group of guys that are eager to be better riders. I am very lucky that I get to support these guys with their training programs, nutritional guidance, gear selection, and just overall cycling dynamics. We rode a chill 30 miles on Friday in the surprising 55 degree weather, ate at an all-you-can eat Paula Deen's buffet Friday night. I am still digesting that horrible excuse for food. Saturday rode around 70 miles out to Arkabutla Lake and back. I grew up mountain biking at the trails there and haven't been back in over 12 years so it was a treat to still be able to recognize where the trail head was, where we used to camp, and the exact location where a friend of mine ate shit on his bike once. After the ride we headed off to lunch then back to the hotel for some team meetings and beer drinking. Then I headed home around 5pm for a pre-race dinner at Los Compadres with Sette. The entire way home was POURING RAIN, the temperature dropped, and the rain did not quit until 1 hr. before race time Sunday morning. It was no doubt going to be a SWAMP Stomp.

Race report time:

I wanted to be the 2nd or 3rd into the single track and successfully did so, but only for about 30 seconds. The two guys that led into the woods approached the initial downhill section at a pace that would rival Micheal J. Fox's, so I quickly found an opening and went around them with Billy Simpson and Andrew Oberst following. Kept it chill for another minute and then decided to get in a rythm and quickly pulled away. Those two were chatting so I knew I was opening up a gap as their voices began to fade. From there on I swung off of tree branchs and used everything I could to aid in keeping my speed without slipping and busting my ass. It worked. I hit the turnaround and had a little over 8 minutes on Andrew and Billy whom were still together and it was another 8+ minutes to the next person. I picked up the pace on the way back and felt great until the last 2-3 miles. The mud had gotten so tilled up that it was near impossible to get a secure footing. I was dying. Between being the last few miles and the course being in the worst condition in this spot, it was not easy. I got through it, made it up the final climb (the first descent where I went around the initial leaders) using tree branchs and anything I could find to help me climb. The mud was so slick and the hill was so steep, it was like a water slide creating impossible chances of walking up casually. Finished, threw my hands up, and was cooked.

I sit here typing this with sore abs, back, and legs like Christopher Reeve's.

Denver Rocks!

So Denver Public school system announced that on Monday the 18th, Martin Luther King Day, the cafeterias would be serving a meal consists of southern-style chicken with biscuit, collard greens, sweet potatoes and peach crisp. This prompted some outrage from the public as racial stereotyping. I heard this on the radio this morning and a listener called in. Clearly an African American male on the phone. He said that he doesn't find any offense in this decision, and in fact it makes him hungry, wishin' they offered the same in Memphis Public schools so he could get him some. His response was great, but it is what he called Fried Chicken that prompted this post. He called it "The Gospel Bird!" I love it!

Check Urban Dictionary's definition.

Underwear...off week

First off, I am heterosexual. If you don't believe me, you are likely some jealous mother fu*ker. Bummer bro. Now back to my post. I have been scouring online looking for some new underwear and am absolutely blown away by the prices. I guess chicks are accustom to paying $25+ for a pair of panties (and may I add, they look wonderful on you, and I appreciate your fine choice in undergarments) but as a dude, I am having trouble doing the same. Unfortunately I bought a pair of Andrew Christiansens at Lux about a year ago and since then, everything else just doesn't feel as nice. Now, that pair of underwear was an impulse purchase as it was marked down from $40 to $20, and me being a Jew, couldn't pass it up. That impulse purchase has led me down a dangerous path to where I am today. Got some 2Xist underoos recently, and they're nice! (about $20 a pair) Now I want to throw away all my currently operable, supportive, and good looking low-rise trunks and replace them with some nicer selections like these others I have started to acquire. So, this morning I go to Amazon and buy up all the Ed Hardy and Andrew Christiansens in my size on closeout (again, I am Jewish, and we do not pay full price; that is for Gentiles) until I get to the checkout and see that 5 pairs of trunks are gunna cost me $80, and they're on "Closeout". I can't do it. Can't spend $80 on 5 pairs of underwear, at least not today. Back to the drawing board. Wanna sponsor a Jew? Either pay a race entry fee of mine or buy me some fine mens underwear. Either is appreciated. Please email me direct for sizing questions.

"Off Week" or "Recovery Week" is where I am in training right now as SwampStomper 25K is Sunday. I am going to Tunica to ride with the Cirque du' Velo's on Friday and Saturday then heading home for a good nights rest before the longest foot race I will have ever done. Hopefully the rides help me "open-up" for the foot race on Sunday. We'll see...

A few pics from the recent Hill N' Dale for you. Note**I took 2nd Overall. Other dude in the photo was stronger.



Going up the switchback about 1/2 mile from the finish.

Fun without being cold

Best Group Picture Ever taken last night. Notice Jeff in the back.

Started the day with a waffle and a few cups of coffee to drown out the Prosecco and Beer consumption which took place at Aspens birthday. Next came a solid trainer workout, then a quick shower, and headed to the gym to show Micheal how I do it. We had the gym to ourselves and enjoyed some Three Six Mafia, Eminem, and Lil Wyte over the speaker system. Killed it in the gym the headed to Fuego Mayas on Macon for a Burrito so large it looked like a vital organ taken from a Manatee.

Got me a chiabatta loaf at Cafe Eclectic for Lauras Chilli night tonight and a loaf to fuel me for tomorrows pre-http://www.swampstomper.com/ run at the forest.

Called up Rocky at http://www.dorondiamonds.com/ for a little prank call. Keep in mind throughout the call I spoke in my best imitation of a VERY LARGE black man. See below:

Rocky - Doron Diamonds

Me - Yes, is Rocky in?

Rocky - Speaking

Me - Dis is T-Bone callin fer my watch

Rocky - Excuse me? (sounding confused)

Me - Yeah Mayne, Dis is T-Bone callin fer my watch (in a slightly louder, almost annoyed tone)

Rocky - Was Ken working on it?

Me - Mayne What?

Rocky - Was Ken working on it?

Me - Mayne na,na,now, now (stuttering) listen up!, I dun gave YOU my watch

Rocky - Hold for just a moment

Me - Mayne, hold on now!

Rocky - Excuse me? (sounding confused and maybe a little scared)

Me - (Laughing uncontrollably)

Rocky - Who the Hell is this?!!

"Dispatch" on Pandora Radio is bomb!

Brunch

Brunch is stupid. The word is stupid and the act of taking part in this dining experience is stupid. Lets start with the word - "Brunch". A combination of the words "breakfast" and "lunch". Now that I broke it down, you must feel a good bit dumber for having said this word, on likely multiple occasions. My problem with brunch stems from my Grandparents. I remember growing up and they loved to meet my parents, sister, and I for brunch. I remember, even at an early age, that request of theirs always fuc*ed up my routine. But here are my current personal problems with brunch.

Scenario 1 - It generally takes place between 10am-11am, a perfect hour that can totally screw you out of a morning workout. If it starts at 10, you aren't leaving till 12, so then you workout around 1 or 2 (to give the food time to settle) and finish hungry so that you now must decide between eating like a horse at 4 pm and screwing up any hopes for dinner at a normal hour.

**Note, brunch is typically only observed on weekends in which I do not workout before 9:00am. Yes, if I was in a frustrating marriage, had kids, or religious obligations; I would workout at 7:00 am on a Sunday so that I could use the brunch to refuel. I am a 25yr. male who likes to party, has no wife, no kids that I am aware of, and likes to use the weekends for big rides/runs and relaxing, so a 7:00 am Sunday workout just ain't gunna happen.

Scenario 2 - You wake up at 7:30, you have coffee and attempt not to eat breakfast because brunch is a few hours away and you have been thinking about that quiche all week, and in no way are you going to impair your abilities to kill a whole plateful of that delicious treat. But now it's 8:30 and you are starting to get the jitters from the caffeine and a little irritable as you haven't eaten a damn thing since you have been up. So, you take the plunge and pour yourself a bowl of cereal. You eat the cereal (now in a relaxed state) and then its already time to get in the shower and get cleaned up to meet your friends who have horrible dietary choices and habits for a "wonderful" mid-morning brunch. You meet them, murder a plate of that delicious quiche, and slowly become depressed. It is only 11:00 am and you have already consumed 1,200-1,500 calories of muffins, quiche, jams, fruit, mimosas, and waffles, not to mention - that bowl of cereal you just had to have when you woke up! Now 12:00, you are home, sleepy and a little drunk (must be a combination of the preservatives from the shi*ty ingredients in the quiche and the mimosas). Happy Sunday! Now you are a fu*king zombie till 4pm, too late for a workout because you have to meet the family for a geriatric dinner at 5pm.

Random notes currently on my mind - to finish off this post:
* Body Glide was put on this planet for cyclists who like to shave their junk
* Just figured out why you women were posting colors on your Facebook status's yesterday
* Wafflemaker came in yesterday, Charlie and I killed 2 waffles each last night. See pic below.
* My car said it was 11degrees this morning when I left the house for the gym
* Boscos tonight
* My hands have been cold for a week and a half
* SwampStomper is just 1 week away
* R.I.P Don Spears

Jews are coming for ya

Check it!

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/elite-cyclists-cooperate-to-promote-sports-growth-in-israel

Israel has a cycling team. Sure they may look like a goofy group, but there are some strong ones on the team.


I love the mismatched podium shoes, the rolled shorts, (especially the dude with one short rolled up) the mismatched sunglasses, and the guy with the Lycra shoe covers. He must be the Time Trial specialist.

Waffles and Love

Just ordered a commercial grade waffle maker. Remembering those happy times at the top of the gondola at Jackson Hole. Look at that smile! Mmmmm...

Killed my legs at the coldest ever Hill N' Dale this past Saturday at the forest! Took 2nd.

Schnucks on Union sucks! Aside from the cluster-fuck of a parking lot, that place straight-up sucks. The employees are horrible, the store is dirty, and every time I try and just "grab a few things," I leave angrier than Derek Klaybold at a High School Prom. Today, while looking for walnuts, I found a box cutter laying on a shelf. To make matters worse, the shelf was at the ideal height for a 6yr. old. Needless to say, I grabbed the box cutter and went to hand it to one of the fine members of society who Schnucks is so proud to call one of their very own employees. This guy, lets call him "Jevon" to create some imagery, was the first whom I encountered. "Hey man, I found this on a lying on a low shelf back there (while pointing casually behind me) and didn't want a kid to get it" to which Jevon replied "aight". End of story. Now, in no way was I expecting a monetary reward, direct appreciation from the store manager, or a hand job in the bathroom, but a "Thank you" would have been nice.

Random notes you should take to heart:

Charlie makes some killer Biscotti!
Los Comales on Summer is my new favorite Mexican joint.
Its fu*king cold outside!
Dan and Erin throw a great party!
Your dog hates you unless he/she is sleeping on a lazybonesbeds.com/
I have a date with Lisa tonight!...Casey is studying

New Snoop

Got the new Snoop Dogg album yesterday. Sick!! People say "don't judge a book by its cover." But Snoop Dogg has proven that if you put a random assortment of badass "things" on the cover of your new album, people like me are going to buy it. I forget if it was the Skeleton, Martini Glass, LowRider, Dice and Cards, Gin&Juice, Raining Money, 8Ball, or Chopper in the Sky that spoke to me first, but it sure wraps up all my emotions into one beautiful collage.

Hit the gym after work yesterday. Had the place to myself during the 2nd half to my workout, so I got to blare some Ludacris through the speakers. After a quick shower, I headed to pick my mom up for some dinner. Fresh Slices in the dirty Dova for a grilled Ahi tuna sammy and some sweet potato fries, and a slice of chocolate cake for dessert. Got to love my folks. As I drop my mom off at the house after supper, she invites me in to make a few repairs which my father is incapable of doing. Replacing a smoke detector battery (not joking) and repairing the insulation around an exhaust pipe in the attic. For completing the tasks, I left with 2X6 packs of Yuengling beer, a handful of Grapefruits and Oranges, and two big bowls of Chicken Soup (all Jewish households have multiple bowls of Chicken soup prepared and stored at any given time).

Lost in a glass of wine and a new book, a geriatric night was how I topped off the evening.

Got a photo today of me dancing with the lady with the cone boobs. I realize the lighting does not highlight the shape of her breasts, however it does highlight my undies. Enjoy.

Has Kwanzaa began yet?

Saw an article on CNN that Kwanzaa is in a recession. The made-up holiday is fading. Bummer...

Yes, even I love making up fake holidays too, and attempting to make them a tradition, but ultimately they loose steam. Sorry to all you devout Kwanzaa-goers out there, but looks like you will have to settle for the celebration of the birth of my boy, Jesus Christ.

If you give a damn, the last few days for me - Parkway Run on Christmas-Eve in the pouring rain then copius amounts of Vino with the girls, Hike with Charlie and Riley on Christmas then more vino and a movie with Sette, Big Ride in the nasty cold wind on the 26th with Richard and Michael then Craigs 30th B-day at Silkys, Big trail run yesterday with Elizabeth then Chris Chew at the Hi-tone, Batty's party, and dinner with Casey and Lisa.

Got the new Snoop Dog CD today....money!

Thinking an Airstream in somebody's backyard may be my new living situation....really.

New Kicks and Cold Hands

USA Cycling reminder email came today. Time to get my 2010 racing license. Yayy! NOT! I would rather spend $60 for a sandpaper, gravel, and rock salt Enema than give it to that group. I love bicycle racing, appreciate the promoters (except for the dumb fat bit*h in Tour De' Tuscaloosa), and like a few officials. Other than that, it is arguably the largest group of talking fecal matter in the country.

Trying to buy a home. Not working out that well. Will know tomorrow if it is mine or not.

Check out the new kicks (notice the pink socks peeking out)- Thanks to Sette!


Aching to hit the trails this afternoon. Hitting Walnut Grove/ Wolf River trail North toward Summer, onto the abandoned railroad East towards the Jail, behind the Jail (may holla at my boyz) and double track back South to the bridge. Made myself a nice Tarahumara lunch of black beans, corn, green chiles, and loads of Cilantro - should fuel me nicely! Peace-

MexiCAN and Trails weekend

Friday night, chill. Dinner at Harry's Detour then drinks and dessert at Felicia Suzanne's. Felicia is a cool chick. Also goes down as the first Caucasian "Felicia" I have met. She showed me around the unbelievable kitchen and patio, super cool girl, and her food is bomb.

Saturday, freezing cold and overcast. After a few cups of coffee, some cereal, and a big glass of Chia with a splash of lime, I was anxious to get active. To hide from the wind and cold, I aired up the tires on the MTB for the first time in a month and hit the trails.

Story time: I had to run some errands on the way to the trail head, and while making stops I realized I had to pee. Since my bladder is as tough as Iron, I held my pee as long as I could. I finally was so ready to get on my bike, and had to piss like a 3 dicked salamander, so I pulled off of Wolf River Pkwy at the Greenway entrance just East of Kirby. I hop out of the car and since no other cars or form of life was around, I walk in front of the car and start pissing. No need to hide behind a tree, nor take a few extra steps into the woods, just let her rip. As I am just getting the nice arch forming to my urine stream, a speaker comes on and says "Welcome to the Germantown Greenway. We are taking photos for your security". Startled I turn around to see a camera on a pole with a speaker mounted underneath. Ohh well, f*ck it, and I kept pissing. Then as I am getting my bike off the car and shoes on, the same damn voice and message must have played another 3-4X, or every time I triggered the motion detector. This week I am awaiting a knock on the door from the men in blue or a ticket in the mail for public urination, as the camera had a Graham Watson view of my license plate and me peeing in the same shot. I sure hope to be sharing that image with you soon.

The night came and it was time for Rocky and Dave's Krunkest Kwismas Party. Thanks for the cocktails boys! Headed from there, grabbed a Turkey Muffletta at the Quick Check and hit up North Mississippi All Stars at Minglewood. Great show, watered down drinks, and a fun crowd. A good time was had by all.

Sunday AM came too soon. Hit Billy Simpson up for a trail run at the Forest. Great conversation and a beautiful run through the park. 1hr15 minutes flew by! Felt great, and legs still feel awesome today. Quite a refreshing change from the lingering soreness due to the beating on the pavement! Hit the shower, then hit La Guadalapana for a killa burrito. A few brews with the boys downtown, then dinner with Dad at La Playita for SumMo Mexican. Mmmm!! Heading home and decided to meet some friends at Los Compadres...What!! Back up Mayne! Mexican for the 3rd time! Texas Style on the Rocks no doubt. Saw Z Perry, Kenny, and Shobbs too. Good times.

tasteless turkey burger and soft core porn

Had a few beers at Raffe's yesterday with some guys from cirque du velos. Got hungry on the way home and decided a West Coast turkey burger from Hueys hasn't been consumed in a while. I roll in solo, sit at the bar no doubt, and order my burger and a Stella from the seasoned veteran of a bartender. You can tell if a bartender has 30+yrs in the business by the incredible lack of hygiene, stained t-shirt, mom jeans, and a tattoo on the forearm. While sippin on my Stella, veteran bartender (whom will be referred to as "Kenny" from here forward) is determined to change the channel on the TV. While currently playing football, Kenny grabs the remote and begins to channel surf. Since it is DirecTV, I get to see a brief text describing the program playing currently at the top of the screen. As Kenny is surfing, he comes across "Women's High School Swimming" and stops. Immediately I decide if this stays on, I am getting another beer. He then casually keeps surfing, only to stop, and reverse his surf so that we soon come across "Women's High School Swimming" again! Hell Yeah! I am on the verge of calling and inviting others to come meet me to watch, boosting Kenny's tip income for the evening, along with Hueys food and liquor sales. Like a true dick, Kenny then changes it back to the original football that was previously playing! I am now frustrated mentally after watching that horrific use of remote control power, lost my semi, and am just ready to eat my dry-ass turkey burger so I can leave.

Thanks Kenny! I can watch black dudes in tights chase a damn ball around a field any day, but when an opportunity presents itself to stare at hot, fit, prepubescent girls while drinking a beer, without having to worry about any legal repercussions; you seize that motha-fu*king opportunity Kenny!

Christmas Music

(Please note the best Jewish Jesus image I could find)

The birth of Christ is quite a holiday. Hanukkah is not. Ya'll put up lights, decorate trees, spend money like water, and play the most awful music in every single store and gas station I go into. You know what kind of music is playing in Israel right now? Not a single Hanukkah song! Now I can cope with yall's festivities, but now the tanning bed too!? That is where I got to relax in silence, or listen to Molly Cyrus, American Idols, and Lady GaGa (or whatever the 16yr. old leathery looking girl from Southaven is "totally into" that day).

December for Clark: Long Runs, Long Bike Rides, Internet Shopping ONLY, and now Mandatory Ipod use in the tanning bed. Thank You for all of that.

People gave me some grief this year as I successfully celebrated my Birthday for over 2 weeks. Now I am not Jesus, believe it or not, but dudes birthday starts the day after Thanksgiving and runs till the 1st of the year. And for some neighborhoods, the lights stay on the home till well into March. We Jews notice details like this.

"Pickled Liver and the Fox" - My bedtime story

Friday - Found a great home, made an offer on it, then headed to Boscos. Saw some great people, had a sub-par pizza (always consistent though) then headed to 1912. A few glasses of tasty wine and before I knew it I was being shown photos on Saturday to inform me of my behavior after leaving 1912. I was clothed in a few of em.

Saturday - Attempted to ride, but the cold wind hitting my vagina lips made me turn around and head home for a trainer workout. Saturday night, wine and cheese at the girls place, then downtown for Sette's Studio 64 at Ernstine & Hazels (sp?). Had a kick-ass time, enjoyed meeting a ton of good looking people, danced with an old lady who kept pressing her cone shaped boobs against me. A bit uncomfortable, but I got over it quick. See pic below, but imagine older

Sunday - Woke up with sparkling lip gloss on my stomach, kick-ass. Rode the trainer again as the cold-combined with misting rain isn't for me, or my bike I just cleaned. Hopped off then went for a run. First run back since Vegas 1/2 last week. Kings of Leon "Closer" blaring while trekking down Stonewall was awesome. I wonder if it smelled like pure Gin behind me as I was running? Chillin party of 1 then headed to see Fantastic Mr. Fox. Felt like a pedophile as the theater was filling up. Great, a white dude who feels like MoLester was at Paradiso, or as I call it "Para-skree-show" due to the overwhelming amount of thug life and patrol vehicles in the parking lot. Either way a bad combination, but ultimately a great movie!

Office Luncheon today, bag packed to hit the gym after work, then headed to Sunny Cordova for Hanukkah to see the lucky two who have the pleasure to call themselves, "My Parents". Latkes, Apple Sauce, and Chronic. Mmmmmmm....

Welcome back

Friends, Family, and Admirers,

I welcome you all back to my educational and inspirational writings. I have taken several months away from sharing my stories in writing, but for some reason I consistently keep finding myself in bad ass situations which everyone needs to know about. If you were a fan of my last blog, then this one will not disappoint. My highly educational views towards current events, celebrities, life lessons, homosexual encounters, cycling, people that suck, and an array of other fascinating topics will all be in abundance. The only difference here is that I will remain anonymous. There will be no mention of my name, however ladies (and some dudes), don't you worry, the pics will still come in bountiful amounts.

Share my blog with your friends, both the ones you like, and the ones you don't.

Happy Hanukkah.